


Study Shows

by InfernalPume



Category: Leviathan - Scott Westerfeld
Genre: Dick Jokes, F/M, Fuckin, its a fic inspired by a dick joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 04:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11029134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfernalPume/pseuds/InfernalPume
Summary: Anon asked: "According to studies, Hungarians have the largest average "Manhood" size in Europe. How accurate is this in your experience Deryn?" and I was dumb enough to actually answer it.





	Study Shows

There was a silence as the four boys read the paper Perkins had spread out on a coffee table, then a slow deliberate pan up as all eyes fixed on Alek.

 

“What?” He asked, cheeks red and brows knit together in a outraged grimace, “You can’t think… _I hardly-_ These findings cannot be accurate. How would they even _conduct_ such a survey?”

 

“Well I imagine it’d start with them taking you into a nice quiet room,” Finch said, “And then they ask you to-“

 

“That isn’t what I meant!” Alek spluttered, his entire face going dark.

 

The other boys looked at him, half menacing half quizzical. Ever since arriving in London Deryn and Alek had lived in this dormitory alongside the younger or unmarried members. Most of them were students, all of them the sons of London’s elite. Despite this Deryn _still_ managed to get along with them better then Alek could, he was beginning to realize that there was more of a gradient in commoners lifestyles then he thought. They were more sophisticated then Deryn or even Lilit had been, but still joked and antagonized each other as easily as any of the men on the _Leviathan._

 

Alek was starting to suspect that his own social incompetence had nothing at all to do with being a Prince, he was determined to master interacting casually with his peers. This meant making the effort to speak with them even when Deryn wasn’t around, even though it made him feel as uneasy as the first steps piloting his stormwalker without Klopp’s assistance.

 

And this was where that valiant effort had delivered him: Four sets of eyes trained on him, likely trying to picture what he looked like naked.

 

It took a lot of self control not to try and cover himself as though he _were_ naked, he merely turned his back and stared determinately at the wall.

 

“I meant only that this isn’t proper conversation for polite company.”

 

Perkins snorted at this.

 

“I think he’s trying to tell us something lads,” he said with a smirk, “Perhaps that he’s sporting quite the _opposite.”_

This statement was followed by a chorus of snickering that didn’t have the decency to cease when Alek spun with indignation.

 

“O-of course not!” He stammered, “That has _nothing_ to do with _anything!”_

 

With that he marched over to the table and snatched up the paper to inspect it himself.

 

“This is _pseudoscience,_ pure fiction!” He said, “They didn’t even _source_ their-“

 

Alek was interrupted by Croft leaping up and waving a greeting to someone who had just entered the common room.

 

“Hey! Dylan! Get a look at this!”

 

A cold and frigid dread slipped down Alek’s spine, before white hot humiliation caused him to whip about and shove the paper behind his back. No. Not this. _Anything_ but this. Finch leapt over the sofa to snatch the article from behind Alek’s back whilst Perkins laughed and latched onto his arm.

 

Deryn watched the scene play out with a puzzled expression.

 

“What stupid fixation are you on about now?” She asked, “I told you, there’s no way mannequins in the history exhibit have nipples.”

 

She snatched the article from Finch and skimmed the front page.

 

“Algae in the water supply? Why is that so…” she trailed off as Finch pointed to the damning article, Alek winced when Deryn’s eyes lifted to offer him the same scrutiny as the others had.

 

There was a pause, only punctuated by snickering before Deryn heaved a sigh.

 

“You care about this rubbish?” She asked dismissively, “How old are you?”

 

“Mr. Hohenberg seems to care,” Perkins said, pinching each of Alek’s reddened cheeks from behind, “He _insists_ that it’s true!”

 

Again their eyes met, Deryn stiffened and immediately glanced to the side as if his gaze stung her.

 

“Well that’s nice.” she said before turning on her heel, “Let me know when you want to act like _scientists._ ”

 

With that she swung the dormitory door open to exit the room. When Perkins released Alek he felt about ready to crumple to the floor. He brought a hand to his sweltering forehead and tried to stamp down the waves of embarrassment. He was utterly _mortified._ Of course now the target of their harassment was Dylan, speculating as to what he was ‘hiding’ in that regard. Alek ignored them and was able to slip away in pursuit.

 

“D-dylan!” he whispered harshly, finding himself unable to cry out, “Dylan I swear I was trying to-“

 

Deryn swatted his outreached hand away, “What is _wrong_ with you bloody boys?” she hissed.

 

Alek put up his hands in defense.

 

“I was trying to stop them! Perkins brought the article in and had us all read it and its _not_ true at all!” There was an uncomfortable pause at this, “…Well what I mean by that is the _process_ of collecting the data isn’t based in the scientific method…that isnt to say that that I _personally_ -”

 

“Barking spiders _\- Stop talking_!” Deryn practically screeched, holding up twitching fingers as if poised to strangle him, “Please I _don’t_ need to know!”

 

“And I don’t _want_ you to know!” Alek insisted, then frowned “Wait, that doesn’t mean-“

 

_“I said stop talking!”_

“Yes! Right, yes!” Alek stepped back and released a shaky breath, “I’m just… I am not suited for such…I’m going to stop talking.”

 

Deryn nodded slowly, still painfully unable to look at him. At least the silence that followed allowed each of them to relax.

 

“Bloody barking _boys…_ ” Deryn finally muttered, before snorting an exasperated laugh, “You know, it was just like this when I was a middy.”

 

Alek looked at her quizzically, causing her to cough into a fist.

 

“Alright not _exactly_ like this but close enough.” She shook her head, “Boys fixate on the _strangest_ things.”

 

Alek scowled. Easy for her to laugh about, it wasn’t _her_ being undressed by every eye in the room. He stiffened when she looked up at him with a smirk.

 

“Don’t worry about it too much your princeliness,” she said, “They’re just making a big deal out of it because it bothers you, means they’ve finally accepted you.”

 

This made Alek gape with astonishment. “You mean they humiliate me in front of you because they _like_ me?”

 

“Well to be fair they don’t realize why letting me know is any worse then them knowing, but aye. You’re not family until you’ve properly harassed each other,” A nostalgic smile crossed her features, “There were some _similar_ comments between me and Jaspert growing up.”

 

That seemed too ridiculous to be true. Alek couldn’t imagine being close enough with _anyone_ to warrant such behavior, but he supposed that was what it meant to be an only child.

 

“I suppose it’s a good thing then,” Alek said with a sigh, “Now all I need to do is go back there and reciprocate their acceptance.”

 

“Look at you, making friends,” Deryn said, slinging an arm around his shoulder, “And it’s all thanks to your massive-”

 

_“Deryn!”_


End file.
